“I stand behind you because I trust you to lead the way. I lead the way because; I know you have my back.” – The Dish with Ward & June
It’s been my experience that a good sub is hard to find but hard subs abound. Every person exposed to “a million shades of what you will” is creeping slowly out of hiding to seek safe spaces to explore alternative lifestyles. But are they really? There is a breed of people calling themselves submissive. However they are not looking for any type of power exchange. Power Exchange can happen without there being any stereotypical “kink” involved. Not everyone is into everything. This is why it’s important to be clear about how you want Power Exchange to be played out on your relationships.
I’ve had some very odd approaches from potential subs recently. One was just downright creepy and weird. Several emails a day only about all the sexual ways in which he would please me (how would he know when we’ve never had that kind of conversation?). Face to face he had a scary unwavering, stare that sent the warning sirens from the depths of my soul blaring. Could I end up in Tupperware containers labeled by body parts??? …or something like that.
I was perplexed why a submissive would assume that he knew what would satisfy a Dominant’s desires. This is not “one size fits your limited fantasy”. A Domme/sub (D/s) relationship is not about absolute rule like a Master/slave relationship (even within that BOTH parties have to agree to it). It’s my personal belief that people in relationship with each other get to create their own unique “contracts”, so to speak. There is definitely a mutual exchange that happens within D/s. Everyone should be getting their needs met. However, a basic principle of a D/s Power Exchange is the strong desire the sub has to please and be led by their Dominant. Yes, submissives get to let their Dominant partner know what they do and do not want. The Dominant partner should know the hard and soft limits of their submissive. However, ultimately it is about the submissive deriving satisfaction from being of service to and guided by their Dominant.
There are no cut and paste ways to be a submissive. Every relationship is going to have unique dynamics. However, these are always five great elements for a submissive to consider within a Power Exchange relationship with a Domme:
1) Integrity – Do what you say you will do. Whether you deem the commitment small or a big deal, keep your word. A good sub will own up to it to their Dominant, even if they would never find out. Short comings should be addressed according to the agreement made between the two of you.
2) Honest & Open Communication – Dommes are not clairvoyant. Be open, honest and clear about yourself to your Dominant partner. A small lapse in communication can easily be interpreted as purposeful insubordination. Communication bridges the gap between what it means to be a sub behaving badly or needing a specific kind of guidance.
3) Trust – The space shared between Domme and sub should be the safest place in the world. A sub should know for sure that only their best interests are being considered by their Dominant partner. A Domme may push the edges of a sub’s comfort levels but never put them in harm’s way. Part of leading the way is having a sincere interest in seeing your sub win. Are their areas of improvement being worked on within this D/s exchange? A sub may bring an issue to their Domme. A Domme may initiate something that they think will improve their subs life: ie… goals, nutrition, making/breaking habits. The sub knows that there will be after care, especially after intense sessions.
4) Mutual Respect – None of the above is possible without a mutual respect of one another. I suppose in commercial dungeons, these rules may or may not apply depending on the situation. What I’m writing about in this blog are personal interactions. It would be difficult to trust someone you didn’t respect. It would be a waste of time to guide someone not worthy of respect. With this respect comes the ability to lead and be led.5) Great Desire to Be of Service – Can a sub’s need to be of service be the intention behind any task their Domme asks of them? The potentially menial task takes on meaning then. A sub may despise doing laundry but because it pleases their Domme, it is done with an intention of care. A sub pleasing their Domme should be satisfaction enough for them. However, earning rewards for good behavior are a great motivation. It can be extremely beneficial for a sub to be meticulous with the service they provide to their Domme.
There is so much focus put on the proverbial “whips and chains” of BDSM. It feels sometimes like there is more of an interest in a limited and particular “kink” related fantasy. That type of curiosity could be explored with a pro Domme. An equally curious partner may present themselves as you go thru your day that you can have occasional play with. However, by my estimation, it is not satisfactory enough for an interpersonal D/s practice of Power Exchange. One of my aunts always says, “Every pot has its cover.” Therefore, whether Dominant or submissive there is no reason to be involved in relationships that doesn’t satisfy you. Find your perfect match.